You get back home after a living hell of a day’s exhaustion. And you don’t wanna eat your mommy’s superb (no irony whatsoever here) homemade meal. Because you crave junk food so much that you can already mourn its current absence from your mouth and stomach. You’re counting souvlakia to keep yourself from hallucinating for them like you count sheep fall asleep. Only there are two objections so far; your infinite boredom to burn your already lacking calories to go get them and your wallet who’s not that willing to spill its inner world.
This utterly moronic post serves the purpose of not letting your mom/dad/destructive combo of both become the third objection and actually leading them to overcome the other two.
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You can change the word [souvlakia] with your junk poison. Like [hamburgers] or [pizza].
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You can change the exemplar word [mom] to [dad], [parents], [granny], [my horse], whatever.
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As it all comes down to factors like the type of person your parent-in-charge is, the day they had, the effort he/she put into making the homemade meal that goes in proportion to his/her willingness to shove it down your throat even if you resist in tears…you may wanna avoid certain of the following techniques or simply pick one of yours I haven’t thought of.(Ideas are always welcome).
1)The straightforward way: “Mom, I want souvlakia today”
This question asks for a straightforward answer, and you can be pretty sure your matter will be settled shortly. However, there’s a high risk of answers like: “No”, “Then go get them”, “And you’re telling me because…?”
2)The suggestion: “Mom, let’s have souvlakia today, what do you say?”
More polite, with slightly better chances for victory. Now the thing is, it highlights the “collective” nature of the decision. That is to say, if your mom is on diet and she’s one of those that actually keep it, be prepared for the all (won’t eat souvlakia) for one today.
(Gotta love Kohaku’s way of “suggestion”)
3)The bribe: “Get me a souvlaki today, and I’ll eat my vegetables tomorrow.”
That’s usually a good one. You can also use the similar strategy of noting the vegetables/disgusting healthy things you already ate before out of sheer adult responsibility and earnest care for your health. Present yourself as the hardworker of maturity that finally deserves to cut himself some slack, or who needs a little motivation to do so the next day. Invoke the tiniest piece of lettuce that fell into your slimy mayonaise and chips sandwitch without ever mentioning the later.
4)The forfeit of all other wishes: “Get me the souvlaki and I’ll never ask for anything else”.
Honestly, that’s a completely retarded argument and nobody will believe you. But it will express the intensity of your desire and the childishness with which you’re going to take the potential refusal quite clearly.
5)The end of a drama: “I had this really awful day, this and that happened and I’m really devastated/tired. Can I at least get a souvlaki because I’m starving?”
Life’s been cruel on you today. Fate whipped you relentlessly and you literally struggled to get back home. You feel miserable and have nothing to live for the next 3-4 hours separating you from that night’s sleep. And here comes the faintly bright possibility of a souvlaki to give a ray of hope. Really…who is your mom to deny this to you.
*Tip: Mention tedious activities highly approved by your parents, such as university lessons. Nobody’s gonna care for the hardships of changing cafeteria seats or shopping all day.
6)The allies: “Mom, me and dad were thinking about ordering souvlakia today”
Search the fellow junk devourer of the family and comfortably ensure his support. It will be very helpful if he wants it as bad or looks more enthusiastic than you. You can also discreetly present him as the “mastermind”, and even fake a little bit of inner conflict: “I wasn’t too sure I wanted to order, but since dad wants souvlakia…”(also known as the “blame transfer”)
7)The guest: “Hey, mom, I came back with [insert name]. Can we order souvlakia?”
Top rates of success. You don’t even have to consult your friend, cause if he shares your wish, you have an unbeatable back-up, and if he doesn’t, your parents are likely to attribute his protests to shyness.
8)The continuous pleads: “Can we order souvlakia, mom? Please, please, please, […] please, please!(or “Ple[...]eeease!)
These sort of ball-breaking lines are a double-edged sword. The very moment they set off, the other’s first priority in life becomes shutting you up. Whether that happens with a souvlaki or a hard slap.
9)The tempting treats: places beers on the table “You know what goes well with beer? Souvlakia!”
Low chances, as it usually works on certain people who imagine your “treat” in the same ideal setting as you. Also, tastes can be quite unpredictable. Your mom may think this mexican beer perfectly matches the lunch’s chicken soup.
10)The considerate: “Mom, you’re tired. Forget about cooking, we’ll order souvlakia”.
This works only if she hasn’t already cooked. It also works, with a clever twist, if she’s having a busy day tomorrow, as you can order souvlakia today and make use of her lovely lunch tomorrow, relieving her of the burden of cooking again.
11)The settling: “Fine, if you can’t buy me [insert super expensive meal] I’ve always wanted, at least treat me to a souvlaki. Now, that’s not too much to ask for, is it?”
Feed on their guilt, then feed on the souvlaki they’ll get you to atone for it.
12)The detailed praise: “Wouldn’t it be great to have a souvlaki now, you know, with that awesome roasted meat, that rich sauce, the potatoes melting in your mouth…[blabla]”
In other words, you describe it vividly till saliva is pouring out of their mouths and they can’t help but surrender to temptation.
Yes, some of those strategies are low and sneaky. Remember, nevertheless, that your goal is noble and that deep down everyone longs to commit the sin of junk food every now and then. Bon appetit.
*Credits to my wizard friend for some of the above!
Disc: All pictures of this post are from the amazing manga “Grand Guignol Orchestra” (Ningyou Kyuutei Gakudan), and of course they’re property and creation of Kaori Yuki ^__^
AAAHAHAHAHA Kataaaan this made my morning!! Awesomeness!
‘Search the fellow junk devourer of the family and comfortably ensure his support.’ –> Poso true. Eggyhmenh epityxia.